Filem malam

amish

kenyataan selalu disana, tapi hati mengapa meminta? keinginan timbul tak menentu, mengalahkan apa yang telah tentu. terus teriak dalam hati, pikir pikir pikir sampe mati? ini ruang depresi diri, disini tempat ku cuba berdiri

haha.. filem malam hari, hanya malam dini saja waktu kuberlari...

Sesunyi

Ku tuntut tibanya malam, kerna indahnya milikku

Tiada ku tahu, di malam sesunyi ini
terbuka jalan seluas dunia...

...

"ilahi lastu lil firdausi ahlaa
wa laa aqwa 'alaa naaril jahiimi
fahabli taubataw waghfir dzunuubi
fa innaka ghofirudz dzam bil 'adzhiimi..."

ya Allah, jangan biarkan aku terpisah, terjerat dalam pusaran rindu rahasia kasih-Mu... - Pek Thong

Bawa Ku Terbang 2

pic by simplyiyo

Aku ingin lari dari rumitnya dunia

Anima ligat menari dalam minda separasedar, mengejek-ejek, keliling hati dengan gelak tawa. Suntik pati erotis dalam pemikiran untuk terus khayal. Perlu cuti dan lari sekejap dari semua ini. Selepas hari ini mungkin aku jadi orang lain, noktah atau koma? entah.
-RashidNazri

Bawa Ku Terbang

It takes someone like him to make me realize that I'm somehow far from being ready. 1k miles far off from being close to that. Can't really help it to feel a bit inferior if i put myself side by side for comparisons. There's nothing much i can really give. Let alone happiness.

I tried to pick myself up and be happy, but no matter how strong the urge to move on, terkadang berkaca gak mata nih. hehehe yeah i know, lame excuse for a 29 year old sissy. My head just keep on asking the same stupid questions over and over again; What did i ever do to deserve this? I spent each and every waking hour figuring out why. A numbing experience to go thru.

I earned my living capturing beautiful moments of married couples. I asked them to smile, choreograph them in posing in a very lovable manner and I never fail to project the intimacy and the love that they have with my camera if would say so myself :P . But somehow, my happiness is far from getting there. Just as elusive. It's an ironic twist of a sick joke that God have installed for me i think. I guess i have to settle with that for now :)

I prayed silently to have the chance to see her smile once again, but I guess as it turns out, not with the one I'm betting at. I'm bitting more than I could chew this time around. :)

She's a wonderful girl, bubbly and beautiful. For that obvious reasons, I think she'll be better off without me dragging her down. She deserve someone far better than what I could ever be. There's something wrong about me I guess. Maybe I can be happy if I keep on telling myself that over and over again. Just be safe hunny, It's really good to know that you're doing fine. I'm happy for you and take good care aite.

angin, bawa ku terbang

Chasing butterflies...Aren't we all???

Long before, as they may call ancient history, I have been happy being alone, free and unattached. Never did I imagined that I will try to denounce my declaration of independence and slid under a two-way autonomy they may call as relationship. Yah, I did. But what I forgot was to imagine that they never last until eternity. At least not in my so-called 'life'.

And I never have seen it coming. Because I was blinded by dreams so beautiful that i prohibit myself from waking up. So blind that the rays of brightest sun cannot penetrate the corners of my eyes. But I never regretted following my heart in any way. It’s just that I gave too much, but was given back too little. And too late, I never reclaimed what was truly mine. Until I broke away and found solitude in singularity again.

I have a bad feeling because I was nearly independent to the bosoms of that relationship. To what we call intimacy, I gave everything and never felt fear of losing myself in the process of giving. I guess I just truly love when I know I’d be loved back truly. Seriously, I’m beginning to pick up the pieces that were shattered as we bid each other goodbye.

I know I’m not doing well this time. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not that too pessimistic about life. Maybe someday, as frens would belt up, someone will love me the way I wanted someone to need me. Maybe someday, someone will take that empty slot. And who knows, God will send her soon. Or maybe, she's there but wasn’t just recognized by my sight. True enough, I’m here but maybe I wasn’t just recognized. It’s either of the two now.

I’ll never be the same me. Never the same before that relationship. Never the same after the break-up. And never will be the same after I recover. It dawned to me that she was right. There’s always a purpose for everything, be it a blessing or a curse. And yet, these blessings and curses have two faces of perspectives to view from. What’s nice is that we can see everything in the good light and consider them as agents for the better. Maybe, I’d be better this time.

Yup, I easily break down and gave in to tears. Yup, I haven’t moved on even a slightest bit. And yup, maybe I’ll never get to move forward again. Or maybe I can fly the limits of the sky, up away. Now I’m coping and beating the odds.

I think the best way to get even is to recover. The best way to recover is to let go of any expectations. Just hoping that I'm lucky enough to do that. And maybe, just maybe, I'm lucky enough to bounce back...even higher this time insyallah :)

God, grant me the serenity to accept things i can't change, courage to change the things i can and wisdom to know the difference.